Jean · A Pattern of Selfishness and Neglect

A Pattern of Selfishness and Neglect

The entire time I was in college, and Jean was less than a hundred miles away, she never once took the effort to visit. That lack of effort would never change. I had no transportation at school, and was barely staying afloat financially with an on-campus job.

In one sense it bothered me, but in another it was a relief. I had made the effort to have a normal relationship with her out of a sense of family responsibility, but I really wanted to have nothing to do with her. I could not forgive her for what she had done to me, to my father, and for abandoning my sister. All Jean cared about was herself.

How to Ruin Your Son's Wedding

Two years after college, I was getting married. The wedding was to be in Massachusetts. While filling out the invititations, I remember knowing that Jean would do something to spoil the day. I knew she would not be able to keep a civil tongue in her head around my father, no matter how much effort was made to keep them seperate. I had no such fear about my father. Throughout the decades long ordeal with Jean, he had conducted himself as a gentleman, and always far more so than Jean's actions deserved.

And sure enough, after a couple of drinks at my new In-law's house at after the wedding, with all the friends and family gathered, she interrupted a conversation between my father and Laura's to let loose a petty jab that turned every head in the room. Disgusted, Laura and I left for our honeymoon just a few minutes later.

If Only It Ended There

I wish.

With people like Jean, the pattern keeps repeating itself because their values and motivations always remain the same. Abusers by nature must be fundamentally different than those they abuse.

My relationship with Jean waxed and waned over the next few years. My wife and I lived in California for a year, then moved back to the East Coast. When we got there, I found that I was unable to renew my driver's license because someone living at her residence on Cape Cod had registered two vehicles in my name and never paid excise tax. So the state had frozen my ability to renew my license.

I called her, and she of course claimed she knew nothing about it. I told her that the tax collectors office (we're talking about a small town here, were you can call and get someone on the phone who can actually correct a problem) told me that all I needed to do was to simply bring in a copy of my college yearbook from California, and a letter from my mother (the renter at that address) stating that I did not live at the house during the time the vehicles were registered (I didn't) and they could clear up the matter.

This is a prime example of how the abuser can still cause you grief in your adult life. Whenever they have an opportunity to exert any kind of control that effects you in a negative way, they typically will do so. Jean told me "It will be a while before I can get a letter to you, I have a busy weekend planned and stuff going on during the week." This coming from a woman who didn't work, had nothing but time (and alcohol) on her hands.

I explained to Jean that without this cleared up, and without the ability to legally drive in the state, I could not go out and secure a job. At this point, Jean began a tirade like so many other tirades of the past, that begain with: "You're just like your father. Don't tell me what to do, I'll do it when I'm damn good and ready". And then hung up on me.

Laura found me standing in the kitchen, shaking. I had never experienced that type of physical reaction, but now understand what people say when they talk about a nervous breakdown.

I never received the letter from Jean. I went to the tax office, showed them my college yearbook, calmly explained to the clerk that my mother was in California, that she was an alcoholic, and it was unlikely that she would break away from her drinking long enough to write me the letter I needed. I told them I would pay the overdue taxes if necessary. They waved the fees and took care of it for me.

I had no follow up contact with Jean. My wife and I both agreed to keep it that way.

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